Single Bipolar Mother Blinded Seeking Grant To Start A New Life
by Melissa Gosaynie
I Want to Provide Her With Whatever She Needs
From the time I was in kindergarten, I can remember having these severe highs and lows. I'd be going to school feeling so anxious and uncomfortable, then other days talking to and playing with everyone on the playground. It was like I was two different people. My parents did not notice the turmoil I was already experiencing at five years old. As I grew into a preteen, my friends and I would drink our parents' liquor on the weekends and smoke a little pot. What they did not know, is that I had never felt such relief in my life, and I wanted that relief all the time. The self-medicating stopped all the noise in my head. It stopped the anxiety. So while everybody was still working on graduating school, dating and football games, all I wanted was to be loaded. I dropped out of school in grade nine, so that I could babysit all week long just to buy one bag of pot with my entire paycheck. I knew I was different from the others, but I did not know why. There was obviously something very wrong. Needless to say, I became extremely addicted to drugs and alcohol. I was so out of my mind most of the time, and so angry, that my boyfriends, friends, parents and my brother were terrified to be around me. They never knew when I was going to explode. When I did explode, it was like I had this super human strength. I am a tiny 5'1", 103 lb woman, but one night three big policemen could not take me down, and that was even after they used the Taser. I was arrested and incarcerated numerous times. Most of the time it was for slipping back into a rage, or the opposite, for doing something impulsive and crazy in a manic phase. The final time I was arrested, I was offered the choice to complete my sentence in a rehabilitation center. I agreed. During my time at that center I had access to counseling and a psychiatrist. That is when I was finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I was hesitant and skeptical to take the medications. This is coming from a woman who had been popping any pill someone handed me without a second thought. So we decided on Lithium, because it is a salt, and he told me it would actually start to reverse the effects of the bipolar disorder. He said it heals the cells and eventually you are cured. That sounded too good to be true to me but I started taking the medication. It changed my world. All of a sudden I could put my thoughts in order. I could do simple tasks like make my bed and fold my laundry. It was a whole new me. A couple years went by, I was working as a photographer for the PGA tours. It was great fun until I sank into a deep depression. The doctor suggested Depakote to supplement the Lithium. I asked what the side effects were and he told me a little weight gain. I refused. He then suggested another medication that can be taken with the other that will block the weight gain side effect. I took the two new medications for four days. On the fourth day I had a severe allergic reaction to the Topamax, the vanity pill, as I like to call it. That reaction blinded me. For three months I could not see. I lost my job. I was in shock. My friends and family had to take shifts taking care of me, feeding, putting drops in my eyes, dressing me. My eight-year-old daughter was and is so amazing. She never felt sorry for herself. she cleaned the house and took such loving care of her mommy. That time without my eyesight gave me a lot of time to reflect on the mistakes I've made, and how much I want to better my life. Yes, I have a disorder, but it doesn't have to keep me from having a career, and living a really good life. I am a smart, kind person. I volunteer three days a week at our local homeless shelter. I have always been interested in computer technology. My first computer class they were teaching DOS. That ages me a bit, doesn't it! I need to go back to school. I am out of options. I honestly do not have a single dollar in my wallet right now, and my parents help with food sometimes, but I want to do this on my own. I have been everyone's burden for so many years. It is time for me to give back, and to show myself, my daughter and whoever else is watching, that I am an intelligent, dedicated woman, capable of anything I put my mind to. I want my daughter to be proud of her mommy. She deserves everything that comes from a household that has an income. She deserves the example of watching her mentor go to college and graduate with honors, which is what I intend to do. I hope you will help me. It will be money very much appreciated, and well spent. I am so grateful that you are taking the time to hear my story. All the best to you, Melissa Gosaynie
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