Living Expenses Grant To Help Bipolar Disorder Disabled Man Inspire Others

by Steve
(New York, NY, USA)

People ask me if I feel a hundred percent again and I would have no answer because there is nothing to gauge that against. I was starting from an unknown place, Point A.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder in 2006 but the catastrophic damage to my life was already done and the long painful quest to find the right combination of medications to stabilize my moods and actions had just begun.

I spent over 150 days of the next two years in hospital physic wards over six stays until the right combination of meds was found in March of 2008.

At this point, Bipolar Disorder had cost me my marriage, destroyed or severely damaged most of my personal and business relationships and was responsible for the loss of five businesses, two homes, all my savings and retirement.

Let me tell you about my relationship with Bipolar Disorder.

When I'm manic it feels like I just won money. It feels great. When I'm depressed, I feel like I have a draining flu that dwells in my emotions. It can physically hurt.

When I have a manic episode, it might for example begin innocently enough with such thoughts as I am at one with nature and then, all the stars are aligned with the numbering system and then, these numbers translate into a hidden language that only I know how to decipher and on and on my thought process is running at an exponential speed.

After three to five sleepless nights, this speed begins to melt my thoughts and I am left in a mental state where everything has new meaning and I created a new mystical reality, which really is true.

This reality stays with me until I get on some sort of medication that will take one to two weeks to take effect and it is unknown whether it will really work well at all.

I was let out of the hospital five times on the wrong combinations of meds not knowing whether my mystical reality was real or reality was real only to return a week or month or two months later.

During this time, I had probably embarrassed myself a number of times, said things that I did not mean, did things I had no business doing and this obviously creates long term memories in others around you that are not easily forgotten or forgiven.

People are scared at what they are witnessing, a friend, business partner or family member being taken away to a physic ward because they are "crazy." Many abandon you.

When the medications begin to take hold, I felt cloudy, lethargic, numb and cold. I felt no sadness or happiness; it was just an emotionless state, which to this day does not feel natural.

I was living in this lifeless world and the full impact of my dire situation did not even register. Many of those around me wanted me to just snap out of it and be my old self again which is ridiculous as my old self is unsustainable.

I should concede that I am in this place because I have a serious disorder but this revelation is a very hard pill to swallow.

Nobody clearly explained to me that you are fighting a battle on at least five fronts with regards to the medications and these fronts are all being fought while I was on these new mind altering medications.

First, there was a great deal of trauma that occurred when I lost everything that I loved. The culmination of all my efforts throughout life had been basically lost. I had a new medicated prospective on life whether I like it or not and this was a very unnerving experience.

Second, I had been living 43 years of my life with an extreme manic passion and thinking a certain way and now on medication everything seems to be grey and standing still.

I realized that many of my goals and dreams might have been unrealistic and my behaviors were not rational at times. This causes much self-doubt, concern and disbelief as I looked at the mess around me. It is confusing and really scary to realize that this is life's new speed.

Third, it took me more than a year to really trust the medications not knowing if I was going to have another manic episode and be sent back to the psychic ward.

It's all very stressful and stress is one thing that triggers manic episodes in me so it can become a revolving door at the hospital if it's not managed properly.

Fourth, my mood never changes. Life no longer has an emotional flow to it and there is no urgency to do or react to anything.

Fifth, the medications have destructive side effects that make me feel like my health is being compromised. They include weight gain, which affects my confidence, self worth and would most likely severely depress me if I were not medicated.

It's sort of another hidden disorder that is created and has jeopardized my will to continue taking these medications, which is not an option. I know that I will have to navigate through these issues for the rest of my life and this at times is an overwhelming endeavor.

From the time I was 16, I was self-medicating with alcohol up to four times a week and at 18 it was a daily ritual that lasted until I was 43 years old.

From what I heard, I appeared to be a happy restaurateur who liked to drink his fare share. When 9/11 occurred I became extremely unhinged and spiraled into a deep depression.

I often thought about jumping from my deck or walking off the pier into the Hudson River but I never told anyone this.

My wife was worried and got me a very incompetent therapist in October 2001 and he agreed with me that it made sense for me to quit my job, give up my businesses.

After three months of visiting him, I did just that. I sold my businesses for scrap, resigned and started up a new international telecommunications company with a friend.

We had a five-page business plan and no funding and the financial stress and anxiety of paying the bills and mortgage on a new penthouse as well as self funding the company put a lot of stress on my marriage and my life in general.

Stress and anxiety are two of the triggers that prompt a manic episode in me. It's like lighting a match and holding over a tub of gasoline. It's only a matter of time until the fumes ignite and you have a raging fire.

In my case, I was putting out the fire with alcohol over and over again, 24/7 and this is where my drinking escalated to drinking in the mornings to quell the mania.

This doesn't work well as now I was drunk all the time instead of just a self medicated happy restaurateur and I felt like a plane in war that gets all shot up and is trying to hold it together even though bits and pieces are falling away.

My life was disintegrating and I was out of control.

The ability for Bipolar Disorder to "hide" right behind my increasing alcohol use over the years prolonged my diagnoses and this directly impacted the level of devastation the disorder caused in my life.

I wish there was more of a relationship expressed everywhere and to everyone concerning the disorder and alcohol/drug abuse.

I bet there are quite a few parents, wives, husbands and people in general at the end of the rope not knowing why their loved one can't control an alcohol or drug problem and the fact is that they are witnessing a symptom of Bipolar Disorder.

Today I am working to set up an informative presentation that might help people recognize some of the symptoms of bipolar disorder in themselves or others.

I would like to target Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous and other relevant forums to bring awareness to the general public that bipolar disorder can hide right behind an addiction.

The average bipolar person takes 10 years to get diagnosed and during this time they are destroying their lives and traumatizing their family and friends.

There is so much unneeded pain and suffering that takes place and if I can help people shorten this nightmare, it would make all my devastation worth something.

I am looking for a grant to fund my living expenses so I can get off disability and cover other business expenses. This would be a full time job that would give me the ability to travel, give presentations and bring awareness to this hidden disorder.