Bipolar Disorder Disabled Woman Seeks Grant Money To Feel Like A Winner

by Jenny
(Modesto, CA, USA)

I was 14 when I knew something was wrong with me. I remember it clearly, just like it was yesterday.

I was a freshman in high school and I was with my friends from my basketball team eating lunch. We were laughing and joking around, but I was so sad inside.

I was on the verge of tears and I just walked out. I could hear my friends whisper "Is she okay?" as I walked out the door.

I wasn't okay and I haven't been okay since. All 4 years of high school were spent isolating myself and managing panic attacks and periods of hysterical sobbing.

I would find that there would be times when I wanted to be with my friends and things would be okay for a period of time, but the depression would always come back.

It wasn't until later in life that I learned my father suffered from bipolar disorder. I also learned that his grandfather committed suicide.

I knew this was genetic and I just resigned myself to the fact that I would have to live this way for the rest of my life.

In community college I remember walking behind the main building to get to my classes because I didn't want to be seen by all the other students. I feared a major panic attack.

Again, I had days where it was all I could do to show up to class (I always sat in the back so no one would see me). Then, I would have days where I would actually raise my hand and answer questions.

I finally sought help from my family doctor around 20 and so began 15 years of trying a bunch of different anti-depressants and seeing multiple psychologists.

They never helped. I never attempted suicide, but I did think about it all the time.

Finally, in 2003 I was admitted to an outpatient program at a psychiatric hospital for depression. Afterwards I felt a little better, but eventually the depression came back.

Then it was back to my family doctor for even more medications and anti-depressants.

I've lost every job I've ever had due to my disorder and now I have to live with my mother.

Finally, this year two different psychiatrists diagnosed me as having bipolar disorder. I am now on Lamictal and Lithium, but my Zyprexa isn't working due to the side effects that I've experienced.

I'm now terrified that it'll be years before I find the right "cocktail" to effectively treat my disorder.

Being 36 years old and still living with my mother only compounds my depression and makes me feel even more worthless and more like a failure.

I need a grant to be on my own. I need to feel like an independent adult and not just a loser and a failure as a person.