25 Year Old Bipolar Disabled Woman Seeks Grant Money For Normal Life
by Michelle Yvette Gonzalez
Michelle and Uniqua
For many, many years it went misdiagnosed as just depression and then major depressive disorder until about 2½ years ago when I knew my biological father's history (When my twin sister and I were 3, our father shot and killed himself.) Many of the things my mom and his family told me helped the doctors to correctly diagnose me. As a kid, I remember being depressed and feeling like the black sheep because I was so sensitive and would say and do things that were very impulsive. For example, I wrote a heaven and hell list and posted it on my door. Only 2 of my family members (my grandmother and aunt) were on my heaven list. I used to flash back to those memories and still to this day there is some guilt and shame for being 9 years old and thinking that way. When I was 12, a man she helped stay off drugs, and provided shelter and a job to murdered my grandmother. My grandmother was the only person I felt accepted and loved me the way I needed. As a child we don't realize the love of our parents, well at least I didn't. That changed my life and from that point on I had major co-dependency issues on love. I got pregnant at 14 and had an abortion, which to this day I regret. When I was 15, I met a 19 year old guy who gave me a disease that I thought was out of my life but caused me to lose my child (when I was 19), and the only chance I had to be a mother. I had an ectopic pregnancy and was internally bleeding. In 2006 I almost died of meningitis. My life hasn't been easy, mostly because I made decisions as a teenager to live as an adult and so I got into horrible situations. I could go on and on about the hardships in my life, but then we would be here forever. I've ruined my credit due to getting into apartments and then losing my job and being unable to make my rent or bills. I dread on my life day after day and I want that to stop. I am a quick learner and great at anything I put my mind to, but when I am too stressed or something big happens that brings on depression, and I shut down. I am tired of shutting down. I have had my GED since 2001. I could be a lawyer had I followed through with my plans. Over the years I have learned so many things about life, love, politics, religion, and entertainment. I do not feel that The Truth or anything God (Creator) given should be for sale. I want to put those feelings into action. I want to help those who need it, feed the hungry, house and clothe the needy. Love the people who just need to be loved, without any expectations of repayment. I know the goal seems unrealistic but we have to start somewhere. We have hundreds of 'rich' or 'well off' people who give a smidge of their money to great causes but if we took the time to give quality love and necessities then the world could be a better place. We have lost sight of what is really important, and it isn't who has more of this or who can afford this or that, but about LOVE. I don't mind being broke if that means I could help someone else to survive the way that my mother and father (step-father technically) and twin sister have helped me. I would be dead somewhere if they would have given up on me. I can't say that I don't believe my disorder is demonic possession in some sense because I do, but right now without proof and with the government and doctors telling me my illness is real I have to deal with what is. I want to be able to provide myself and a husband with all the love, responsibility, respect, and care that a woman should. I think with the right support system I can do it. I receive $900 a month from Social Security Disability and tuition is $42,050. I would also need help getting into housing (for myself and my non-certified psychiatric dog Uniqua, a Pit bull.) My dog has become a big factor in helping me to get up every day and follow some type of routine. And when I am down and crying she comes and comforts me. It helps ease the pain, and keeps me from following through with suicidal thoughts. She has no one but me. I have filed FASFA and I will soon find out what is covered but I'm positive I will need grants to help me with more. I know a lot of people look at mental illnesses as 'not real illnesses' but if you lived through what I, and millions of others go through, it would be easier to understand. This illness has taken over my life, and regaining it will take time, but with love and support, we can do it. I don't want to be a victim or a burden to anyone. I just need help getting my goals accomplished. Thank You.
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